Better late than never... Right?

What are little boys made of?

What are little boys made of?

Snips and snails

And puppy-dogs' tails,

That's what little boys are made of.

What are little girls made of?

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice

And everything nice,

That's what little girls are made of.

Or so I hear. 

So here's my back story, my name is Crystal. I grew up in a tiny town in the bipolar state of New York and lead a semi-normal life as far as I can tell.

In 2008 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and underwent 7 months of chemotherapy. Yes, it sucked, yes, all my hair fell out, but I'm alive and well today and glad it's all over.

Fast forward a bajillion years, and one near-miss wedding and life from hell later, I have found the life I have always wanted. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and health science and just recently was conferred for my masters degree in early child good education! Wahoo! Who wants to hire me....? Anyone? I now live with my incredible boyfriend, who tolerates my every neurotic moment and annoying quirk, and his 6 year old daughter. 

I first found out I was pregnant in April 2013. I was surprised, but super excited. I've always wanted kids and I was thrilled at the idea of having one with a man I loved so much. I had no idea what I was doing when I started looking for an Ob-gyn, I just picked one whose office was in my town. It was literally a five minute drive.  At our first appointment I was super nervous, I knew I had to have the full exam and my doctor was a man. Prior to that all of my doctors had been women so this was weird for me. I didn't mind him, he didn't look like he smiled often, he seemed nice enough and I didn't feel any more violated from the exam than usual.

Stupid pap smears. Seriously who signs up for that job, gross!

Anyway, Mike hated our doctor from the get go but gave him a chance for me. We scheduled blood work and an 8 week ultrasound. Mike and I walked into our ultrasound giddy with anticipation of seeing the fruits of our labor heh heh. Our ultrasound tech was a miserable lady, maybe 40 years old. I hated her. I'd never done an ultrasound before I had no idea what I was looking at. She told us NOTHING. I got dressed and went to the waiting room for the doctor. We brushed off the mean ultrasound hag and resumed our giddy chatter. Dr. Stern-face came in and the first thing out of his mouth was "there's no way you are 8 weeks pregnant." I'm sorry what...? "Are you sure about your dates?" Uh yeah I'm sure I know when I was supposed to get my period and didn't. Have you ever had to scrub blood out of your clothes? It's not friggin fun, jerk. So instead of telling me my options of what could be he comes right out and says "I don't think this is a viable pregnancy". Mike was at my side in an instant. I was still trying to process what exactly Mr. Stern-face just told me. It was completely awful, he followed up with there being a small chance my days were off and asked me to get more blood work to see if my counts increased. In my head I already knew they wouldn't. In my head I had always known it was going to happen for some reason. I knew I must have done something wrong.

So there we have it, I miscarried, counts came back as I predicted and doctor issued a d&c that day. What a miserable thing for a woman to go through after she just got such awful news not three days prior. But I'd been through cancer and chemo, I could handle it, at least that's what I told myself. Boy was I wrong. Even with numbing medication it hurt like hell and psychologically I've never been through anything worse.

When they finished I curled up in a little ball on the table covered with flimsy paper. Mike finally was able to come in and was shocked to see what state I was in. My blood pressure was all over the place, I was hot, I was cold, I was sweating, I was vomiting. He flagged a nurse and she got me some meds for the pain and a wet rag. The doctor came back to check on me and I swear he laughed at how I was handling it. What a newb I was, apparently. After a half an hour of agony I forced myself to get up and get dressed so I could go to the privacy of my own home. Mike got my prescriptions and tucked me into bed.

The next couple weeks were brutal, both of us suffered in silence. I felt cheated, after everything I've already had to endure in my life why must I go through this pain too? 

The doctor said we should wait until I had at least three normal periods before we started to try to get pregnant again. To be honest I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. It was a surprise the first time but I loved the idea. What if this happened again? No way could I go through that again. I was back and forth for a long time; yes let's do it, no, we should wait... It was terrifying. 

It is now January 2014, and I am ecstatic to report that we are 15 weeks pregnant! And we are finally getting excited about it. I say finally because both of us were weary for months to get hopeful about this pregnancy. They gave us our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. That morning I was stressed and freaking out, Mike was easily annoyed and short all morning. Our ultrasound girl was a DREAM! I loved her instantly, she greeted us with a big smile and she was so energetic and happy. It really helped me to relax. As soon as she got the probe (or what ever the heck you call that awkward stick) in place we knew instantly there was a real live baby in my belly. Then she shocked me, she turned on the heart monitor and I just about lost it. "It has a heartbeat already!?" Oh my god! how amazing that felt, Mike told me later that gave him one little tear in his eye lol. I'm sure he will never admit that again. I left that day with four pictures!

This time around we only told a couple very close people before the 12 week mark. As excruciating as it was holding it (and my growing belly) in I felt so much more confident and comfortable announcing it to everyone after our second ultrasound at 12 weeks.

Now I'm planning like crazy and researching and dying to shop. Our next doctors visit is Monday and I cannot wait to hear that heartbeat again.

Speaking of my doctor, we switched to a doctor that my cousin recommended to us and I love them. The drive is hefty, especially in a NY snowstorm, it's at least a half hour one way but I am so much more comfortable there. Hopefully Monday they give me my next ultrasound appointment so we can finally know the gender. Yay! Until, next time!